Is healing without shame possible?
One thing I consistently notice in my work is that long standing problems of any sort tend to come with a significant side dose of shame.
Shame makes us want to hide through feelings embarrasment, vulnerability and inadequacy. It is a form of self rejection that can be crippling.
Shame often comes when we feel we don’t live up to expectations – either our own or other peoples. When we judge ourselves as “bad” or lacking in some way, a feeling of shame tends to follow.
This is especially prevelant when people have been experiencing a long standing problem, which they have not been able to change.
For example: A successful, capable intelligent woman who has a pattern of choosing romantic partners who take advantage of her and treat her poorly. She can’t understand why she keeps doing this, and is incredibly frustrated with herself. She knows on an intellectual level that she needs to change, she has probably done a lot of “work” on childhood issues, abandonment wounds, raising self-esteem and so on, yet the pattern continues. She feels shame as a result of having not been able to change.
Another example that comes to mind are those who struggle with overeating or binge eating as a way to cope with stress or overwhelming emotions. Often these behaviours make no “logical” sense and the person would be deeply ashamed and embarrassed if anyone saw them in the grip of a binge. The perceived inability to control one’s own behaviour feels deeply shameful.
Additionally, some problems can carry a particular social stigma (for example substance addiction or sexual trauma) which can amplify feelings of shame.
Sometimes the very act of seeking help can trigger shame because we believe we “should” be able to handle things on our own, or because seeking help feels like admitting failure or weakness of some kind.
How does shame impact healing?
When shame is present, it means is that as well as having to deal with the original problem at hand, you are also navigating the heaviness of shame, which adds to the difficulty and complexity of the situation.
Shame can be one of the most significant barriers to healing because it fundamentally disrupts your connection to yourself and others. When we’re engaged in healing work, shame often surfaces as a protective mechanism that paradoxically keeps you stuck in patterns you’re trying to change.
Shame always implies judgement, which can contribute to feelings of self loathing. Sometimes people think they can bully themselves into changing. It may work for a time, but generally this involves suppression rather than true transformation, and rarely leads to the genuine internal peace people crave.
How do you let go of shame?
The number one way to release shame is to explore what is going on inside you with an attitude of curiosity and compassion instead of judgement and condemnation. Make space for your humanity. You are not perfect, and that’s ok. Each and every person on this Earth has struggles of various kinds, some you can easily see, and some that are hidden. Resist the temptation to compare yourself to others, for you never really know what another person is going through, and it is irrelevant to your life experience in any case.
Understand that you have a reason for doing what you do, even if that reason is now outdated and ultimately destructive, the pattern began as a way to serve a need you had.
We each contain a number of different “parts” within our psyche. The part of you that is engaging in this undesirable behaviour is likely a part of you that is young, hurt, and scared. It needs you to listen and seek to understand, rather than judge it harshly. This is the process of beginning to integrate the different parts within us, and learning to fulfil our own needs in genuinly healthy ways.
The best time to heal a pattern is when it’s active. When you feel the pull and when the emotions are triggered. If you can pause, breathe and drop into what is going on inside you, and you can look with curiosity and compassion instead of judgement, you will begin to heal at a deep level.
Even if you can’t stop the behaviour in that moment, just gain as much data about it as you can, see what other options might be available to you. This is a good start.
Remember that healing is a process and it takes time. Moving forward in small incremental steps is often more achieveable and sustainable that giant leaps.
Find and create safe spaces – whether in therapy, support groups or connecting with others who’ve faced similar challenges. This is very helpful in releasing shame and catalysing growth and healing.
Finally, healing often requires grieving what we wish had been different while accepting what is. This process naturally moves us from shame (which keeps us stuck) toward acceptance (which allows for change).
The irony is that shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, while healing happens in connection and acceptance. By gently bringing our struggles into the light of awareness and compassion, we create the conditions where real transformation becomes possible.
